Is My Spouse or Ex a Narcissist?

Narcissists have received a lot of popular attention in recent years, and there are innumerable websites and social media pages devoted to troubles with narcissists. Most of my clients come to me describing their spouse or ex-partner as a narcissist or asking whether I think they are one. My clients are surprised to hear the answer is, it doesn’t matter. 

I will caveat that by saying, it probably doesn’t matter in court. But it certainly does matter in your and your children’s lives. In many jurisdictions, a mental health condition is of little consequence unless it is proven that the condition is formally diagnosed and impacts the parent’s ability to sufficiently parent. Or if the condition is undiagnosed, it may matter if it is proven through the parent’s bad behavior or order violations that he or she is unfit to co-parent. In some jurisdictions, mental health is just one of many factors listed for consideration in family law statutes. Moreover, most family law attorneys and judges have no familiarity with mental health and do not know what a personality disorder is.

That said, if your partner or ex is has strong narcissistic traits, or dysfunctional traits matching another personality disorder, such as Antisocial Personality Disorder (including sociopathy or psychopathy), Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder or any commonly related psychological challenges, your divorce and co-parenting will not be easy and I strongly recommend that you seek expert assistance. If your attorneys are unfamiliar with personality disorders and the behavior that emanates from them, I recommend they consult with me because your case will be unlike other cases they have handled.

Individuals with personality disorders, by nature - by the way their brains are wired, do not take rejection well, do not take responsibility for their actions, and do not “get along.” Many of them experience splitting (also called dichotomous thinking or black-and-white thinking), which can quickly turn you from someone they loved into someone they hate and wish to destroy. Almost every client I have is shocked by this sudden, drastic, illogical shift. I’m often asked, “Why is he doing this??” or “How can they do this to me and the kids?” They do it because they are hardwired to do it, and I can help you understand it, endure it, and thrive in spite of it. Your life does not have to be miserable just because you left a narcissist or other personality-disordered partner. With the right support, you can learn to manage it and live your best life. 

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